I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Please, let me fuck your mom
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
