i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize