she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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