I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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