All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Text me some of your sweat
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
