me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
this beer tastes like vomit already
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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