I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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