whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Send help, water and tortillas.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
