During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
