My liver just broke up with me...
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
