when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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