as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
