I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
