Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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