I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
