Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
