I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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