How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
