Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
