you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
