Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it was like having sex with a tree stump
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
