Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
