I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
