Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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