I hate your face
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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