Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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