omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
