Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
