Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
