I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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