she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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