his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
