I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
