im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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