Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
