She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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