But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
