it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Operation Purity has been aborted
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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