you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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