i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
