and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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