may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
