He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
