your parents love me but you hate me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
