She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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