so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
