lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
