I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
