No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
