i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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