At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
