I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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