shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize