it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
