remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
