I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
