I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
