i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize